iDream

Playback

2011-12-14T18:52:00.001-08:00

I keep coming back to thoughts of you,
And at this point
I'm not really even sure the memories are anywhere near as good as I remember them...
But I miss them either way.

sssshhh....

2011-12-13T20:53:00.000-08:00

He speaks
And it's like my heart can hear
cause I swear-
he's speaking directly to it.
And it's beating is in sync with the syllables he speaks in such a seductively sweet sound
that I have to hold myself back from sucking the nectar that must be secreting from his succulent lips

Somewhere in there.

2011-12-13T19:21:00.001-08:00

I hide my hopelessly romantic side underneath my
shit just never works out side...
because I'm kind of hopeless when it comes to romantic notions.
I guess I'm jaded that way.

I still care

2011-12-13T17:03:00.000-08:00

I'd be lying if I said I never think of you.
Because the truth is, I rarely don't.
And I have,
All the years since I ended things.
I know it was the right thing then...
Problem is there's nothing I can do about it now.
But,
I think I'd be ok with that,
If only I knew you were really happy with her.
I hope one day you will be...

All I can do is wonder

2011-12-04T14:48:00.000-08:00

I didn't tell you,
I don't think,
I took it for granted...
thought you'd always be around.
I wonder if you ever knew your impact.

The way you looked at me...
If honesty could be personified in a look,
It would be in the way you looked at me.
And I don't think I was ready for that truth.

But now....
Now I know,
that you will always be the one
I wonder about.
And I'll wonder,
if you're ever wondering about me too.

Good one

2011-11-22T18:33:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't make a decision with a man in mind...
But, if I did,
This man might be the kind.

hurry up and wait

2011-11-18T15:45:00.000-08:00

Waiting.
Waiting to see a loved one
Waiting to see a new movie
Waiting for that amazon box in the mail
Waiting for food to be done
Waiting for a goodnight kiss...
these I can handle.
Waiting, for news-
news that can potentially be good
or potentially bad,
this,
I am no good at.

just need to get it out.

2011-11-17T17:55:00.001-08:00

I see her lips moving,
but I stopped listening several sentences ago.
I guess it was the minute I saw the tears behind her eyes,
the ones her smile was supposed to hide...
that's when I knew I wasn't going to like what she had to say.
And him...
when a man so strong turns weak,
it's hard to keep it together.
But they are,
and I am.
and it's going to be fine.
the waiting, and wondering
that's always the hard part.

I know she's looking down on me.

Time runs out.

2011-11-17T09:29:00.000-08:00

I've spent enough time waiting
Wondering
(Hoping?)
Was this secretly my reason?
Sometimes we keep secrets so well,
That we don't even know them ourselves.
But how long can you hold onto nothing?
Especially when there may be something,
That could be everything...

I know I said I would, but...

2011-11-15T15:17:00.000-08:00

I can't do it...
after all these years,
I can't be so insignificant.
And I can't go back in time...
the reality is your hers,
you were never really mine.

[let me ride into the sunset]

and why shouldn't I?

2011-11-14T16:34:00.000-08:00

I've been whispering too long...
the anticipated absence is like a freedom,
and suddenly I'm all about screaming.

Today...

2011-08-15T11:10:00.000-07:00

my horoscope tells me:

"Even if you don't think you are skilled at creative writing, write your ideas down.

It has been said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results -- which is probably why you feel as though you're going crazy. One of your relationships is going through some turmoil, and the two of you seem to be dealing with the same issue over and over again. So try a different approach -- it's the only way you'll get different results. Think of other ways to communicate. Writing your thoughts down will help you get clarity."

I think it may be on to something...

Leap

2011-08-06T18:15:00.000-07:00

you can't see the ground from where we're standing.
you have no idea how high up we are.
there's no rope to cling to
and no harness strapping us in,
but still
you decided to jump with me
with faith that the net will appear.
thank you...
for trusting me that much.

maybe we'll just grow wings.

I've always known

2011-08-06T03:22:00.001-07:00

It was never me.

So long.

2011-08-05T18:35:00.000-07:00

Too many people living for tomorrow...
I'm tryina live for today.

Maybe I spoke too soon this time.

2011-08-04T18:37:00.000-07:00

I think I now know why we've never tried to be us
While you were already part of an us.
It doesn't work when you add another.
I'm not sure how to be us that way.
Twos a company...

::in the middle of this I realized it could be more than one person. damn::

the simple truth.

2011-08-03T13:09:00.000-07:00

"I'm a magnet for unavailable men, and I'm sick of it."

Musing...

2011-08-02T19:42:00.000-07:00

I never really thought I had a muse.
How a-musing.

So close

2010-11-14T16:09:00.001-08:00

I can’t explain what it is about him
But, something in him turns on something in me
And, I’m not speaking solely of sexual stimulation
Although, there is that…
There is that.
But beyond that there’s something impalpable about the way he turns me on
It’s like I could drown in the depth of his poetic metaphors
Like I’d like to lick the lips that spit so beautifully because
That’s as close as I could come to tasting his words.
His mind spins my body in circles..
And I don’t know what it is about him but
I swear if he was different
He’d be just perfect for me.

I think I know it

2010-11-11T18:41:00.000-08:00

I don't know you and yet I want
To know you
In each and every way I can
Know you
Do you mind if I try and get
To know you
Because I think
You may be someone worth knowing.

Thank you

2010-11-10T11:52:00.000-08:00

You
Hurt me
Not like
I stubbed my toe against the wall
or caught my finger in the door kind of hurt
You hurt me
Like
My world tumbled down
and my heart cracked open kind of hurt.
I would've done anything for you
Given anything to you
and yet my anythings weren't everythings or perhaps
They were nothings
Or perhaps
They were everything
Just not anything
Close to the nothing
You wanted from me.

Thank you
For letting me go.

If not my "soulmate"...then surely a mate for my soul

2010-11-08T18:12:00.001-08:00

my physical being met yours some years ago
but
i'd be remiss if i didn't insist that
my soul reacts to yours as if it's known you in lifetimes past
like our pasts had somewhere crossed the same path
and we
found each other...
and now
in the silence of the words i need not utter
you can hear melodies
that sing of our love
of our heartbreak
and of our persistence or rather resistance to parting...
i find comfort in knowing that wherever i am
there you'll be...
i think i was meant for you
and you for me.

for the record

2010-10-28T06:52:00.000-07:00

it's not so much about not needing you in my life...
it's more about not wanting you in it.

i'll be back

2010-09-23T16:53:00.000-07:00

there's something i want to write...
but i'm flustered
and everything i write, isn't right....

Too loud

2010-07-26T17:24:00.000-07:00

I don't want to hear your silence...it's piercing ..

Reminder

2010-07-18T05:09:00.000-07:00

When I miss the man I fell for I need only remind myself that that man no longer exists

Memory fades

2010-07-10T16:44:00.000-07:00

I purposefully forgot what it felt like to love you
Because I fear that if I allow myself to remember
I will never be able to forget again.

Even if you never read this...

2010-06-05T13:15:00.000-07:00

I didn't know you for everything you were.
I knew you for everything I wanted you to be.
That was wrong of me,
I'm sorry.

Never forgotten

2010-06-05T13:11:00.000-07:00

I swear I can make out your shape in the clouds,
Hear your whisper in the wind,
See your eyes sparkle in the stars at night.
I feel your presence everywhere
And yet,
You're no where
I want you to be.
I hope you can see me, though
And know,
Your not forgotten.

Not sure which

2010-06-05T04:51:00.000-07:00

Not many people can get me smiling with just one word.
It's his gift...
Or my curse.

Deaf ears

2010-05-29T21:09:00.000-07:00

I think I would say more to you
if I thought, that even for one second,
you would be listening.

Defected

2010-05-29T20:39:00.000-07:00

I feel like the one bulb on the string of Christmas lights that will not turn on. Attached to many, yet click with none.

Ouch.

2010-05-29T20:31:00.000-07:00

There's nothing I want to say
about so much that I want to say
so I don't say any if it
I just think it
I just hold it
I just feel it
in all the cracks in the armor I've built up.

A truly beautiful friend.

2010-05-29T20:29:00.000-07:00

sometimes we begin to forget who we are. and then someone reminds us.

complete random thoughts about my now.

2010-05-13T18:30:00.000-07:00

i think about some people a lot...every line is someone different...i can't always say and do what i want so i have to get the thoughts out of my head somehow...

i want to tell her that i know she lies...a lot.
i want to tell her that i love her...beyond the love i feel for most others, into a place that i can't describe in words.
i want to not love him, to forget him, to not miss him at the times where no one else would be right.
i want to know that i mean more than she does...even though i'm not sure i actually want to be more than she was.
i want to know him, beyond the messages of random facts and genuine stories that have filled my days with laughter.
i want to heal them, even if that means inflicting myself with all the pain they feel.
i want to make him happy, and i have no idea how, because he has no idea how and i want to fix that.
i want to tell him that its going to be okay...that in time the hurt will ease.
i want to tell her that this her life, and to not waste it complaining over everything she thinks is wrong with it.
i want to talk to him...in a way that will not only make him hear, but listen.
i want to hug her, and make her feel like she deserves better...because she does.

missed

2010-05-13T16:29:00.000-07:00

For a moment,
I wondered where you went...
how you could be so here one minute
and so gone the next.
then I thought,
who am I to wonder where you went
instead of just being thankful you were here.

(no) love note.

2010-04-11T17:47:00.000-07:00

how did you get in my head
i don't remember showing you the way
or opening the door.
this is private property
so please remove yourself
preferibly without touching anything.
you may have found your way to my head,
but the way to my heart is another matter entirely.

damn.

2010-04-11T17:37:00.000-07:00

its surprising
how very un-surprising it is
that every day
you take my breathe away.

I will

2010-04-11T17:36:00.000-07:00

I think
I am
Annoyed
Frustrated
Flustered
and Angered.
And I think how none of that has changed the fact
That I haven’t changed the fact
That I think of you
Without trying to.

Well..

2010-03-29T22:47:00.000-07:00

I wish I knew more than I do,
but I'm glad I know more than I did.

Run for it

2010-03-27T18:32:00.000-07:00

You,
Standing there
Covered in a jacket of confidence.
Me,
Standing here
Cloaked in a blanket of insecurities.
Perhaps if I felt a chill
You would fling your jacket over my shoulders
And for a moment
I could muster the confidence
To run instead of walk.

Happy happy.. Joy joy

2010-03-24T21:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes
I'm happy for no reason
or
no specific reason
or
too many reasons
or...
Just one.

Moments

2010-03-24T14:14:00.000-07:00

Moments are fleeting
Like the flashing lights of a lightning bug
at twilight on a summers day.
When your young you catch it
put it in a jar
and carry it around with you.
As you grow up you just sit back
and watch the light dance
Enjoying the beauty of the moment
Because even if it is gone too soon,
You appreciate that it happened at all

In due time

2010-03-04T16:01:00.000-08:00

It took no time for me to realize I am physically my mothers twin
but after 25 years I am still learning how very much like my father I am...

Some nerve

2010-03-04T14:17:00.000-08:00

How dare I wish for an easier life
when those who came before me have had it so much harder

Today

2010-03-04T11:40:00.000-08:00

I'm an emotional wreck.
Fear is not an emotion I often experience,
I'm not sure I know how to deal with this.

random lyrical moment 3

2010-03-02T18:07:00.000-08:00

"Wait, do you see my heart on my sleeve?
It's been there for days on end and
It's been waiting for you to open up
yours too baby, come on now
I'm trying to tell you just how
I'd like to hear the words roll out of your mouth finally
Say that it's always been me

That's made you feel the way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last
Like I'm the one for you

You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not routine with you it don't mean that much to me
oh just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me"
-Adele

No room

2010-02-11T03:56:00.000-08:00

you can't give anything to someone who's hands are already full of baggage.

Selfishness

2010-02-11T03:48:00.000-08:00

The beauty of some people
is so much sometimes
that you can think only
of selfishly wanting to hold onto that beauty
and you fail to realize that in holding it
you stifle the beauty that you fell for

So little much

2010-02-09T04:58:00.000-08:00

Often, people say so much
with so little
but you choose
to listen to the
so little
because the
so much
is too much
and yet
not near enough

Only sometimes

2010-02-09T04:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes,
when you do without something
or someone
for so long,
you start to forget
why you thought you needed
or wanted it
or them
at all

On to the next

2010-02-08T16:55:00.000-08:00

I never believed in second chances,
until I needed one.

Unknowing

2010-02-07T08:04:00.000-08:00

Some people
aren't meant
to be
known

random lyrical moment 2

2010-02-05T19:15:00.000-08:00

"but right now I am sober

But I just wanna be drunk
so I can forget about you
and all the stupid things that love has pulled me through
Even when I've had too much,
I still feel your touch
Maybe this just means that I`m not drunk enough"
-Adele

Shh.

2010-02-01T03:48:00.000-08:00

Answers,
Are hard to come by
When I can't hear myself think
Beyond the deafening silence
Of the thoughts I'm scared to have

just a random thoughtul moment

2010-01-30T12:38:00.000-08:00

I was just a child the first time I thought I was in love. Four years of my life given to someone who was just a child himself. Now, after all these years, I think back and I think I did love him, as much as anyone in high school could love anyone else. It was the first time I truly understood a broken heart, but also the first time anyone was in a position to break it. Whats more important to me now though, is that that first guy I fell for, is a genuinely good guy. Over the years he's seen my family members much more than he's seen me...and each time they tell me how they saw him, how he came over to give them a kiss hello, and how he's always so sweet to them. And I smile because maybe my judge of character is better than I sometimes think.

Don't speak too soon

2010-01-28T20:59:00.000-08:00

In everything that's different,
I see all the same.

Over it?

2010-01-26T17:44:00.000-08:00

I'm not Tom
or Jerry
so why am I
playing this
cat
and
mouse
game?

To myself...

2010-01-25T20:52:00.000-08:00

Option: something that may be or is chosen; choice.

Priority: something given special attention.

Don't confuse the two.

Pointless?

2010-01-25T20:48:00.000-08:00

If you
knew me
better
you would see
how different
I am
with
you.
I would tell you
but
I doubt
you would believe me.

...

2010-01-24T19:10:00.000-08:00

i wish
you could see
that all i want
is to
know
you.

random lyrical moment

2010-01-22T14:14:00.000-08:00

"the scent of a room that reminds me of u
a hint of perfume it reminds me of u
take a look at the moon it reminds me of u
hope the stars and the gods
align me and you"
-Common

excerpts from a reader (1)

2010-01-21T19:51:00.000-08:00

"He was in the kind of love that Ajax won't scrape off, the kind of love that makes a grown man doodle a woman's name on his forearm with a pen and say things, his palm cupped tightly around a pay-phone receiver, that would make his buddies question his manhood."
-Rick Bragg
"I Am a Soldier, Too: The Jessica Lynch Story"

out my window...

2010-01-19T18:53:00.000-08:00

my view...everyday.

i want to learn

2010-01-19T18:42:00.000-08:00

how to fit a square object into a round hole.

some days are still harder than others

2010-01-14T19:13:00.000-08:00

i can almost not remember it like it was yesterday,
the phone woke me
i didn't understand who could be calling at that hour
but i answered.
on the other line was an uncalm calm
::she's gone::
:who's gone:
i didn't understand
or i didn't believe
but either way i had to ask
had to be sure.
but she was gone.
and the little girl in the grown woman i was supposed to be
came tumbling out of me.
i didn't know how to carry that heavy load...
the weight was unbearable
and i didn't think i could climb out of bed under it,
let alone walk down the hall without collapsing.
so i stumbled as far as my small body would allow,
to the door next to mine
and the savior that slept quietly on the other side.
he would take the weight for me
i knew this as sure as i knew that she was gone.
i opened the door
trying to formulate some semblance of words he could understand.
i'm not sure what came out
but i know that in his understanding the weight shifted from me to him.
he told me it would be ok
and i watched as he wavered under the weight of it
i could see the little boy inside of the man he was supposed to be,
but the man fought back
he walked down the hall
to the room neither of us wanted to enter,
to try and gently place that huge weight
on the shoulders of our mother.
her cries pierced my heart like a million knives
and it bled out
desperately trying to make its way to her
to fill the holes in her own heart
caused by the weight of the world that had just come crumbling down.

fuck it

2010-01-14T07:31:00.001-08:00

it, fuck.

How did I get there?

2010-01-13T09:19:00.000-08:00

I want to tattoo the route
on the palm of my hand
so that if I'm ever lost
I can touch my hand to my heart
and it'll find the way.

not a compromise

2010-01-12T10:11:00.000-08:00

I will not trade in me in exchange for you.

repeat.

2010-01-11T19:01:00.000-08:00

i'm pretty sure i've seen this episode before.
i'm going to keep watching to make sure though.

very random

2010-01-10T11:09:00.000-08:00

like 1 of the 2 most important men in my life says..

"get off my back, you kinda heavy back there!"
=) i gotta love him.

happiness is a choice

2010-01-04T21:22:00.001-08:00

and today it chose me.

luCky hEr

2010-01-03T13:08:00.000-08:00

there was once a boy
who loved a girl
an amazing love that transceded the walls of his heart
and took hold of his soul.

i was not that girl...
but oh! how i felt that love.

a beautiful moment

2010-01-01T23:02:00.000-08:00

i'm not sure when i started to see her through you
when i see you laugh
i picture her
in her bata
standing at the stove
and i can smell the incredible aroma of memories
and i smile to keep the tears at bay
because in that moment
i see her
i feel her
and in that one moment
i don't feel the pain of missing her

100

2010-01-01T09:32:00.000-08:00

it's a brand new year.
--------------------------

When I close my eyes I dream
I dream I dance on clouds
and let the sun be my partner
when it sets I sit among the stars
and talk to the moon.
When I close my eyes I dream
I dream I sing melodies that make a phoenix cry
make it want to die
only to be reborn again
to see the beauty of the world through a child's eye.
When I close my eyes I dream
I dream that heaven married hell
and birthed earth
and I cried at the beauty of their love.
When I close my eyes I dream
I dream
I dream.

i used to love her.

2009-12-30T19:22:00.000-08:00

I loved you once.
For such a long time.
Before I met you I loved you
And then I met you and I loved you more.
You gave off a light brighter then the sun...
Just breathing the air around you made sense.
I felt free with you
Like there was so much I could do
So much I wanted to do.
You were dirty, and you were dangerous
And it only made me love you more.
You were temptation,
the (big) apple I was warned about.

I loved you once.
Before I met you I loved you
And then I met you and I loved you more.
Love doesn't always last though.
You did nothing wrong.
It wasn't you, it was me.
Someone better will come along.
But I'll always remember our love affair.
And maybe one day I'll give it another try,
Cause we sure did have some great times,
New York and I.

it's been a while.

2009-12-30T07:07:00.001-08:00

It was out of my hands,
Something I planned against
And yet couldn't plan for.
I knew from the first encounter that I had you-
What I hadn't realized was that you had me.
The feelings were real
Yet so completely surreal,
As if they weren't mine.
The most reckless situation I've allowed myself to be in
And yet, the one I could not bring myself to get out of.
A prisoner to the imprisonment you found yourself in.
A situation neither of us would ever win.
So I lost.
So you lost.
And life went on.

sometimes you gotta slow down

2009-12-27T19:23:00.000-08:00

Every now and then on my way to work there's one of a couple different men standing at this light asking for money. People call them bums...I just call them people who have fell on rough times, because any of us could be there, at any given time. Every day that I see them I'm in such a rush to get to work, and I tell myself, next time, next time I'll stop and give them some money. But everyday I say next time, and next time doesn't come. Well today, I decided it was next time. And I stopped, pulled down my window, and gave the man rushing to my car some money. I don't know if he's really in need, I'm sure there are people in the world who just like to get over on people. But I figure, even if he isn't homeless, maybe the fact that he's standing on the side of the road all day tells me that maybe he needs those couple of dollars more then I do. As the man grabbed the money from my hand he looked me in my eyes and said "God bless you", and he had the most piercingly beautiful blue eyes...that for a moment, took my breathe away. It was just a little moment...but it made my heart smile, and I was glad I didn't wait for next time.

its the little things

2009-12-27T07:01:00.000-08:00

when a 3 year old calls to sing to you...it's hard not to leave the house smiling.

psh

2009-12-27T05:41:00.000-08:00

i'm not a dime, i'm a whole quarter.

::forehead slap::

2009-12-26T11:12:00.000-08:00

sometimes we put ourselves in the stupidest situations.

re-doinkulous

2009-12-20T18:48:00.001-08:00

karma's a bitch...and i sure hope i'm around when certain people meet her.

i guess...

2009-12-10T16:02:00.000-08:00

at least now i know.

though it doesn't make it hurt less...knowing is better than not knowing.
ignorance is not so blissful.

a benefit

2009-12-10T15:09:00.000-08:00

one of the benefits of working with all men is that there's often interesting and insightful conversations had.

appreciative

2009-12-07T15:10:00.001-08:00

I never looked for you
but we found each other
and I thanked Destiny
for connecting our paths
Til we hit a fork in the road,
You went left and I right-
and again I thanked Destiny,
for giving me a better sense of direction.

to wed or not to wed?

2009-12-07T09:38:00.000-08:00

Growing up I always thought I'd one day get married, have kids...that's what your supposed to do right? Now that I'm "grown up" or at least considered an adult by law, I think that whole thought is b.s. I mean, why? Why do we assume we'll get married? Why do we assume kids will come? Why is that what society expects of us?

Who knows, maybe one day I'll get married, maybe one day I'll have kids...but maybe not. I think the whole institution of marriage has been completely ripped to shreds by men and women everywhere. It doesn't mean anything anymore. It's just what you do.

just my thoughts.

funny

2009-12-07T08:47:00.001-08:00

the funny thing is you no longer inspire me.
i hope you fall off your high horse.

forgive, forget?

2009-12-05T16:36:00.000-08:00

forgetting you would make useless all i've learned forgiving you.
so i remember.

wait..what?

2009-12-03T17:35:00.000-08:00

seems like every communication we have has a 'mis' in front of it.

it.

2009-12-03T17:32:00.000-08:00

i dont know what 'it' is
but some men just have
It.

i only closed my eyes for a second

2009-12-03T17:18:00.000-08:00

but i guess i missed when everyone got so different.

my boyfriend.

2009-12-01T16:23:00.000-08:00

oh music,
if you were a man I would marry you.
and we would make love by dancing the night away.

be gentle

2009-12-01T16:18:00.000-08:00

I want you to
love me in all the places it hurts.
Work
each finger around my heart
and hold-
gently...
feel the hesitant palpitations of an ice box starting to melt.

get over yourself.

2009-12-01T16:17:00.000-08:00

some people are overrated.
others don't rate at all.

eyes opening.

2009-11-29T14:49:00.000-08:00

when i stopped blaming myself for what we weren't, i started seeing you for what you were.

"Reason, Season, or Lifetime"

2009-11-29T14:32:00.000-08:00

perhaps i'm not meant for the latter.

"jacson"

2009-11-29T14:30:00.000-08:00

some friendships are easy, even when their difficult. thankfully.

the story of my life right now

2009-11-23T08:22:00.000-08:00

"if situations were different"

at the end of the day..

2009-11-21T09:01:00.000-08:00

I'm just a girl trying to find my place in a world full of girls trying to do the same.

really?

2009-11-18T19:46:00.000-08:00

Do men think it's really ok to contact someone only when they're not around their chick, and expect that person to be pleasant about it?

Why do male friends always get shady, or disappear altogether when they have a girl? Does this go back to the age old, "men and women can't be just friends" thing?

I love my male friends...but sometimes I just have to say to myself, "really though?!" I will tell you the truth about yourself even when others tell you lies. If that makes me a bitch so be it.

I just was having a moment, and needed to get that out.