tears of joyous sorrow.

i caught my tears
bottled them and sold them
to the lowest bidder-for free.

he needed them more than me.

indebted

i'd turn dirt to sandcastles
and tears to waves
just for a chance to see the sun set in her smile
and the wind blow her hair free.

i am of her
and will always be.

i don't get it

it's like chinese to me.
a language i don't understand
i take out my handy dictionary and
begin to translate
no use.

it's like a puzzle
i twist and turn the pieces
fit them together perfectly
and then i realize,
just as the picture begins to come to fruition
-there's several pieces missing
no use.

it's like trying to swim my way out of quicksand
trying to climb an iced mountain
trying to find a needle in a hay stack
no use.

it's like...
im[possible]

but impossible is nothing.
so i guess it's nothing.

and that's how he wants it.

i got it.

my constant battle

muffled sounds break through the walls
like a bullet
it hits me.
unconscious

memories play like a motion picture.
i've seen this one before

a water fall creates a puddle
for me to drown myself in
i struggle to breathe.
i grow fins and sprout scales
and away i swim.

he asked for it.

hate.

i hate hospitals. i've spent enough time in them to last me a lifetime.
i hate watching someone i love deteriorate right in front of me.
i hate watching family members hang on doctors every word.
i hate hearing the abnormal beeps of the machines plugged into my loved one.
i hate being told their are too many people in the room (because i AM going in there).
i hate nurses who don't treat you the way they would want to be treated if roles were reversed.
i hate the deafening silence, broken only by uncontrollable sobs of sadness and heartbreak.
i hate not knowing what to say.

but most of all i hate that i can't take the pain away from my mom and inflict it on myself...
because seeing her in pain is the most agonizing feeling i've ever experienced.

An angel gained

death makes you realize how much you haven't been living.

rest in peace tio.

my biggest weakness

Strength beyond measure..til I see the tears stream down her cheeks. Then I'm gasping for air...trying to find my footing in a field of quick sand.