i used to love her.

I loved you once.
For such a long time.
Before I met you I loved you
And then I met you and I loved you more.
You gave off a light brighter then the sun...
Just breathing the air around you made sense.
I felt free with you
Like there was so much I could do
So much I wanted to do.
You were dirty, and you were dangerous
And it only made me love you more.
You were temptation,
the (big) apple I was warned about.

I loved you once.
Before I met you I loved you
And then I met you and I loved you more.
Love doesn't always last though.
You did nothing wrong.
It wasn't you, it was me.
Someone better will come along.
But I'll always remember our love affair.
And maybe one day I'll give it another try,
Cause we sure did have some great times,
New York and I.

it's been a while.

It was out of my hands,
Something I planned against
And yet couldn't plan for.
I knew from the first encounter that I had you-
What I hadn't realized was that you had me.
The feelings were real
Yet so completely surreal,
As if they weren't mine.
The most reckless situation I've allowed myself to be in
And yet, the one I could not bring myself to get out of.
A prisoner to the imprisonment you found yourself in.
A situation neither of us would ever win.
So I lost.
So you lost.
And life went on.

sometimes you gotta slow down

Every now and then on my way to work there's one of a couple different men standing at this light asking for money. People call them bums...I just call them people who have fell on rough times, because any of us could be there, at any given time. Every day that I see them I'm in such a rush to get to work, and I tell myself, next time, next time I'll stop and give them some money. But everyday I say next time, and next time doesn't come. Well today, I decided it was next time. And I stopped, pulled down my window, and gave the man rushing to my car some money. I don't know if he's really in need, I'm sure there are people in the world who just like to get over on people. But I figure, even if he isn't homeless, maybe the fact that he's standing on the side of the road all day tells me that maybe he needs those couple of dollars more then I do. As the man grabbed the money from my hand he looked me in my eyes and said "God bless you", and he had the most piercingly beautiful blue eyes...that for a moment, took my breathe away. It was just a little moment...but it made my heart smile, and I was glad I didn't wait for next time.

its the little things

when a 3 year old calls to sing to you...it's hard not to leave the house smiling.

psh

i'm not a dime, i'm a whole quarter.

::forehead slap::

sometimes we put ourselves in the stupidest situations.

re-doinkulous

karma's a bitch...and i sure hope i'm around when certain people meet her.

i guess...

at least now i know.

though it doesn't make it hurt less...knowing is better than not knowing.
ignorance is not so blissful.

a benefit

one of the benefits of working with all men is that there's often interesting and insightful conversations had.

appreciative

I never looked for you
but we found each other
and I thanked Destiny
for connecting our paths
Til we hit a fork in the road,
You went left and I right-
and again I thanked Destiny,
for giving me a better sense of direction.

to wed or not to wed?

Growing up I always thought I'd one day get married, have kids...that's what your supposed to do right? Now that I'm "grown up" or at least considered an adult by law, I think that whole thought is b.s. I mean, why? Why do we assume we'll get married? Why do we assume kids will come? Why is that what society expects of us?

Who knows, maybe one day I'll get married, maybe one day I'll have kids...but maybe not. I think the whole institution of marriage has been completely ripped to shreds by men and women everywhere. It doesn't mean anything anymore. It's just what you do.

just my thoughts.

funny

the funny thing is you no longer inspire me.
i hope you fall off your high horse.

forgive, forget?

forgetting you would make useless all i've learned forgiving you.
so i remember.

wait..what?

seems like every communication we have has a 'mis' in front of it.

it.

i dont know what 'it' is
but some men just have
It.

i only closed my eyes for a second

but i guess i missed when everyone got so different.

my boyfriend.

oh music,
if you were a man I would marry you.
and we would make love by dancing the night away.

be gentle

I want you to
love me in all the places it hurts.
Work
each finger around my heart
and hold-
gently...
feel the hesitant palpitations of an ice box starting to melt.

get over yourself.

some people are overrated.
others don't rate at all.

eyes opening.

when i stopped blaming myself for what we weren't, i started seeing you for what you were.

"Reason, Season, or Lifetime"

perhaps i'm not meant for the latter.

"jacson"

some friendships are easy, even when their difficult. thankfully.

the story of my life right now

"if situations were different"

at the end of the day..

I'm just a girl trying to find my place in a world full of girls trying to do the same.

really?

Do men think it's really ok to contact someone only when they're not around their chick, and expect that person to be pleasant about it?

Why do male friends always get shady, or disappear altogether when they have a girl? Does this go back to the age old, "men and women can't be just friends" thing?

I love my male friends...but sometimes I just have to say to myself, "really though?!" I will tell you the truth about yourself even when others tell you lies. If that makes me a bitch so be it.

I just was having a moment, and needed to get that out.

patchwork

If I could cut pieces of several men in my life and put the pieces together like a patch work quilt, I'd have my prince charming.

But my life is not a disney movie...there is no such thing.

so what

So what if I
Rather be in jeans and sneaks then a dress and heels

So what if I
Rather be at a baseball game then a ballet

So what if I
Rather throw on a hat then spend hours doing my hair

So what if I
Rather carry a gun then a purse

So what if I
Rather be considered a tomboy then a girly girl

Does that make me less of a woman...
Or does that just make me more of an interesting one..

Do you mind

If I
Take a moment to forget everything you just said
And
Give you a chance
To
Try again
Cause you could sure use it.

bottled up thoughts.

Is it wrong that I miss you not?
I am not here to
Be your chauffer
Drive yourself around
I am not here to
Be your bank
Get your own damn money
I am not here to fix your problems
Stop fucking up
I am not here to
Cry over your woes
We all have them
In fact I am not here at all.
I was there to
Share the driving
I was there to
Help each other through broke days
I was there to
Help you learn from your mistakes
I was there to
Return my shoulder to cry on.
But one day our friendship became a one-way street
And I sped down it
Without so much as a look in the rear-view mirror

i remember

I thought I forgot to miss you
Then I realized I missed how to forget you.

just one of those days

So today
I don't care that you smile at me
I don't want to smile back
I don't care that you didn't mean to bump into me
I did mean to bump you right back
I don't care that you are trying to sit with a family member
I am comfortable, keep it movin
I don't care that your just trying to be nice
I would suggest saving it for someone who cares
I don't care that you could use someone to talk to
I don't want to listen
Today,
I just don't care.
But if it'll help,
I'll give you a quarter so you can call someone that does.

light weight

Red light, Green light
And I'm off,
Full speed ahead
Shed
All of my past
For a better future
Never looking back
Wack
Jak
Stack, Dollars
On the way to the top
Stop!
At nothing
For the look of pride in my parents eyes
Because it is all for them, And always will be
See
I am nothing short of my mother's daughter
And I refuse to have it any other way
May
I say that the sun shines wherever I am
Because I carry my own sunshine wherever I go
No!
You will not take my sunshine away
With the hatred you spew
If you only knew
I am
Short in stature
But a giant in heart
Don't mistake my kindness for weakness
That wouldn't be smart
I am more then just a pretty face
So don't waste
My time
Tick
Tock
Goes my internal clock
And still I am in NO RUSH
Hush
I am enough baby for myself to handle
Candle, light
Bright
Right
Or Write
My thoughts down
Not to sound
Poetic
Just to release myself from their weight,
I feel lighter.

i deserve better

I am tired.
You expect me to be there for you
While
She expects you to be there for her
And
What can I expect?

I am tired.
You want me there,
But
Only when you want me there,
While
Any other time you couldn't care, less

I am tired.
I hate you, almost as much as I love you
You drive me crazy
But
You love me
Its a beautiful...
Friendship

I am tired.
I am no one's almost someone,
I am no ones only sometimes.
I am tired.
I am someone's one-sided want-
My heart doesn't always listen to my mind.
I am tired.

i've tried

You are the oil to my water
We don't mix well
But I love you.
I fight with you harder then I love most other people
And yet I love you.

I know what your eyes say
Even when your lips say something different.
You know what my words mean
Even when I don't speak them.

If my heart had a mouth you would make it smile,
But you don't make it skip a beat.
I love you,
But I'm not in love with you...

have you ever

Have you ever loved some one so much as a person, you wish you could love them as a lover? But you just don't.

I have.

All's well

All is well that ends well
But who defines well
And what is an end if not for a new beginning?
For when I lost you I lost my self
Because my self was so drunk with love for you
I didn't know how to be sober
It hurt too much.
So I drunk my self into oblivion
And cried a million
tears
Fear
took over my being.
A completely useless emotion meant for those weaker then myself
So in retrospect I didn't lose my self when I lost you
I lost the me I had let my self become
Good riddens to her
And hello to me
I missed you old friend.

more than me

Blessed me
For in me flows the blood many have shed in the fight
Pumped by a heart filled with their hopes and dreams
Serving as my motivation to achieve.

To put it simply,
My life is not my own
For the moment I was brought into this physical world
Everything has always been for them.

not old, just older

I am too old to do the things I did when I was younger.
It doesn't bring me the same joy.
I'm over that part of my life,
And the people in it.

Don't judge me for not joining in with your immature obnoxiousness.
That's just not me.

Life has progressed
And I've progressed with it.

Maybe one day in the future I'll meet the mature you
And we could be friends.

me fool? you?

I am no fool

So you smiled at me and I smiled back,
You reached out a hand and I touched it.
So I went along with conversations
And reciprocated the flirtatious advances you were making.

I am no fool.

So I let you hold me
And lull me to sleep with your hands tumbling around in my hair..
So I let you make your move
And I kissed you back.

I am no fool.

Did you think that I had fallen,
That my heart fluttered at the feeling of your hand against my skin?
Did you think I missed you when you went away,
That I thought only of you?

I am no fool.

You smiled at me when you thought I was looking,
Tried to touch me when you thought my exterior had softened.
You brought up conversations you believed would spark my interest.
And flirted just enough to see if I would flirt back.

I am no fool.

I let you hold me because I wanted to be held,
And Let you play with my hair because it soothes me.
I let you make your move to make you feel you had me,
And kissed you back simply because I wanted to be kissed.

But I am no fool.

I saw through what you said to hear what you meant,
Saw through what you did to see your purpose,
And allowed you only as far as I wanted you to go.
And then I was over it,
And you- the "playboy" were left in your happy little world
Oblivious to the fact that you sir,
Were the fool.

How's your medicine taste?

im young, not stupid.

All dogs just want to be stroked, fed, and left alone to sleep...

Much like men. At any age.

i want you to

seduce me
touch the tips of your fingers to the small of my back
the tip of your tongue to the small of my neck...
feel the vibration run through my body and the goosebumps rise like a book for the blind
pointing you in the right direction

...use your imagination.

because most times
a girl wants it just as bad as the guy.

so many useless numbers

11 plus 11 doesn't always equal 22.
60 minus 20 doesn't always equal 40.
9 multiplied by 4 doesn't always equal 36.
And 72 divided by 3 doesn't always equal 24.

So what's age really?
But a number we use to judge people for where they should be in life?

----------
"Age is nothin but a number"..
That sometimes
Changes everything.

i want you to know.

I've withered down my pencil trying to make the words make sense.

Spilled the contents of my heart onto blank pages hoping they'd rearrange themselves into something you could understand.

But I still don't know how to tell you that you are my hero.

You've created a world in which all others are toads in a land where you are king.

And I wish I knew how to thank you.

..sigh

A lifetime of marbles instead of pearls.

i had a f'd up morning.

I woke up with a bad feeling,
Or I awoke my bad feeling when I got up.

let me whisper sweet NOTHING in your ear.

i can't begin to tell you what i want to say.
because what i was going to say, is not how i want to say what i want to say.
for fear of what i might say i don't say all the things i've been meaning to say,
what i say is nothing.
...i think you hear me though.

green grass grows.

i have searched far and wide...
crossed streets, and bridges
walked through fields and deserts.
and yet i can not seem to find the side
that is unlike my side.
every side looks like the last side i walked passed,
or through, or over.
so does that mean i haven't found the side the grass is greener on?
or have i been on it the whole time?

i'd like to...

scratch my friends/associates network
and begin again.

special people.

some people just remind you how incredible having a friend could be.

sometimes there's somone who is more complicated than anyone you've ever met,
someone who you probably will never understand,
But somehow its just...easy.

what a sad day

I sat and watched the memorial with my mom, and we both shed tears. From old to young-It is absolutely amazing for one person to have such a profound effect on so many who never even had the pleasure of meeting him.

RIP MJ...There will truly never be another like you.

daddy's not so little girl

I guess growing up I never realized I thought of my dad as invincible. All these years later I realize I never thought of him as anything else. I was never exactly the definition of a "daddy's girl"...but I guess in my own way I am. I just always assumed my daddy would be there. I think the part that sucks the most about growing up, is that your parents have to get older too.

It's going to be fine.

Only prayers and positivity.

a waste

Its sad when someone who has so much going for them tries to hide what makes them special...and would rather just fit in with everyone else. Why would you want to fit in when you can stand out?

wtf

it's been a while since I had the kind of day that plays over and over in my mind
cause I just don't get what I could have been thinking to do the things I did that were so unlike me
or was I thinking...
maybe my exhaustion was overclouding my ability to not fuck myself over.
but still, I make no excuse.
where's the rewind button on this thing called life?

hello karma.

i've been in both positions.
they definitely both have their ups and downs but it's eye opening to realize i've been on the receiving end of the same feelings i was dishing out not so long ago.

simple really

So I know now that he wasn't "never the man I thought he was"
He was never the man I wanted him to be.
He could only be the man he was.

both?

It is the curse
Of human nature
That we always want more
Than what we have.
Or is it the gift?

my mother, my blessing.

She has always been at the very core of my existence.
My most powerful strength
and
My most vulnerable weakness
all wrapped up in the most beautiful package.

When I was younger
I can't recall the number of times I was told
"your the splitting image of her"
and
I can't put into words how
lucky that made me feel.
I, me, looked like her, she
is everything amazing in this world.
and I
couldn't think of anything I would rather have heard.

She is everything I want my future daughter
to see in me.
and I appreciate her
far more than just one day out of the year.

i got carried away in the moment.

Motorized seats
Who thunk this one up.

Bizz
And the foot stool comes up
Bizz
The seat back reclines back
Bizz
The neck rest comes forward.
Bizz
The leg rest comes up

I'm fighting the urge to say
You do realize
that has to go back
before we take off right?

And another thing
Why, are you talking to me?
Does this look like the face that wants to be talked to?

I mean really
I don't want to know
Where your going
What your doing
Where your coming from.
I don't want to tell you
Where I'm going
What I'm doing
Where I'm coming from.
And no I will not
Tell you what I do for a living.
You occupy the seat next to me
That doesn't make you important.

Oh the little lessons in self control.

not always what it seems

Now...
It's like Laverne without Shirley
Tom with no Jerry
Like Thelma without Louis
Harold with no Kumar
Or
Not.

Sooner or later
You get tired of being a remarkably better friend
Then the one you got.

ugh (again)

I keep thinking that if I keep thinking about it I'll figure out how this happened...but I'm not any closer to figuring it out after a week. I just know that I can't make this same mistake again. My emotions hit an all time low, and I refuse to be back here. ugh. If I only knew how to kick my own ass. I would place all the blame on my shoulders if I knew it belonged there.

breathe in....breathe out

and let it go.

when at last we meet.

I turn the corner of 2nd and 3rd and find
the one.
I, trip on my own two feet and get caught by the
comforting feeling of the universe aligning in my favor
or maybe
it's you who catches me, right
before I hit the ground.
And, in your eyes I see the clouds part and the
sun set
And the
horizon is where our lips met.

My heart beats to the
syllables of your name like its known this rhythm forever.

I know you're out there,
I look forward to meeting you.

not quite finished.

butterflies,
i didn't know they could fit in my stomach.
but there they were and
there i was
worrying that
he would hear their wings fluttering about.

minutes had turned to hours and
hours had turned to days and
days had turned to weeks and
weeks had turned to months and
months had turned to years and
years had brought us here,
to this moment.
had the minutes and, the hours
the days and, the weeks
the months and, the years
made us strangers...

i dont know where i'm going with this.
or rather
where this is going with me.

at a loss

who, what, where, when
Why?
How, did I get here.

I remember the
gentle night air on my cheek,
blowing away with it
the parts of my heart that i dropped along the way.

I remember
wishing that that same air could
carry me back in time so that
maybe
i could make it right.
but could i.
how would i get to right,
and
how can i recognize this,
as wrong.

How, did I get here.

I can't recall
who I became in that moment
when all was lost,
but it was me.
I can't recall
what I decided to say to
verbalize the melting pot of emotions that were
cooking in my gut,
but I spoke.
I can't recall
where I told my legs to go,
but they moved.
I can't recall
when the color faded
and blackness flooded my eyes,
but it did.
I can't recall
why.
but i guess i'm not all that surprised.

I can't recall
the sky falling through the walls,
but it had to,
I think.

How, did I get here.

there aren't enough words,
in any language
for me to explain how i feel right now.

I wish
someone could tell me it was gonna be alright,
and mean it.

what a feeling.

Like mind numbingly great sex..
Without the whole
pre-game 4play and
the whole post-game cuddling.
No no, this
gets straight to the point..
This caters to each of my senses
like a sex God made just for
Me..
This is
Orgasmic.

Clouds floating like marshmallow puffs all around me
The wind knocking every inch of me like a stranger asking for a welcoming hand
The freezing cold warms my insides creating a burning flame in my heart
I'm breatheless. Literally.
And just like that, I'm floating.
Beauty surrounds me and I fight against my eyelids
because I'm scared if I close my eyes
even for a second,
Ill miss something.
And I know that from this point on
I will always understand why they say
"skydivers know why birds sing".

I think I was made to fly.

whats the rush...

Zig zaggin,
No stopping to smell the perfume coming from that woman who hides her insecurity beneath that floral scent.
No stopping to admire the pretty colored leashes with no dogs at the end.
No stopping to hear the clunk clunk clunk of the heels on the tiled floor which is used as a ploy to get attention when really…those toes are screaming for a pair of cotton socks and nike sneaks.
No stopping to feel that person you just bumped into, because after all they were in your way.
No stopping to taste the sweat dripping down your face, sweetly asking for a break in pace.
I hope wherever your going was worth all you missed along the way.

Oh em Gee

So the other day on my way into working I was listening to the radio, and they were talking about this women from this tv show Britain's Got Talent. After listening to them talk about her performance I absolutely had to youtube it. And I must say, Susan Boyle is the most gripping display of "don't judge a book by it's cover" that I have ever seen. it gives me goosebumps...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

a break from my current life.

So is it abnormal to be a 24 year old woman and not have the desire to go out and party? I've been so about work, so about family, so about gym, and so about reading...and so OK with that. Granted, the rare times I do go out, I enjoy myself, but it's just not something I really care to do. Maybe I'm abnormal...but if so I'm ok with that. Nonetheless, I just had 5 days off straight, definitely not a vacation, but eventful..

I got to attend a ridiculously dope poetry jam last week. Now these kind of outings, I love. What a night of beautiful words, beautiful thoughts, beautiful people. all LOVE. complete motivation. and going to dinner with 3 of the poets was just icing on the cake!
just some memorable words out of the many I heard that night:
"how the hell did mother earth become a man's world" -Kesed
"forever loyal
never deceitful,
no other culture can equal
to the rythm of my people" - Lemon

And...my return to NYC, por fin! I've had a love affair with NYC for a few years now, but we've been on the outs for a while. My heart wasn't broken, no huge argument was had...we simply grew apart and went our separate ways. Pero, the moment I smell the NYC air, touch my feet to it's pavements...it's like I fall in love all over again. I don't necessarily miss it when I'm away, but when I'm there, it's natural. The time and distance only makes the reunions that much better.

-til next time

my dad is a beautiful man.

In one of my most recent reads there was this concept of love never being equal in relationships. that one person always loves the other more. Maybe its 70/30, maybe 60/40, but it's always slightly lopsided at the least. So I started to think about this concept. And I took more notice then usual. I've definitely always known who that person is in my parents relationship, but I never quite looked at it, or thought of it in that way, until I read this book. But I know, without a doubt, that my dad is the one who loves more. She is the air he breathes, the blood pumping in his veins, the sunshine on his most beautiful days. She is his heaven and hell. He adores her, from the smallest nail on her littlest toe, to her knees and her back which are crying from age, to the laugh lines on her face and her now completely gray hair. He.adores.her. This is not to say she doesn't love him. I know personally, that she thanks God for him on a daily basis. But, if this lopsided love theory is true...then it is and always has been quite clear where the heavier side lies.

My dad makes me want to believe that chivalry is not dead. My dad, who will walk my mother in from the car with her arm tucked safely under his, and then return to the car as many times as it takes to bring in whatever they may have been out getting. My dad, who would allow my mom to lay in bed all day if she wanted to, climbing up and down the stairs a million time to get her whatever she may want. My dad, who still, after more then 30 years, brings home flowers for every holiday, and this includes the "i just wanted to holidays" that come at least a few times a year. My dad, who gets up early every Christmas, to make us all the biggest breakfast ever. My dad. He is a huge part of the reason I know I will never settle. After growing up watching this adoration my dad has for my mom, how could I ever settle for anything less then that.

My dad is a beautiful man.

my hair does not define me

Why is it that so many women seem to base so much of them in such an extraneous thing. Hair. It can be grown out, cut, dyed, straightened, curled. You can even add extensions, or weave. It's an accessory. But it's like some women find comfort...solace behind their locks. Like without long, flowing hair their somehow less of a woman...less feminine. And, may I say, it doesn't help that so many men think it's ludicrous for any woman to cut off her long locks...to wear a do that barely touches her shoulders...or even worse, barely touches her neck!

So, I've had fairly long hair for most of my life. When I was young, from when my hair first began to grow til about adolescence or so, my hair was the longest. An utter tomboy with hair down to my butt. Then I cut my hair...a few times actually, throughout my teenage years. But it was really never shorter then just below my shoulders...so I guess that was ok...perhaps still accepted in this long hair world. Lately I've been thinking about a cut..and then last week I had a conversation with my cousin, who was desperately wanting to cut hers. Then, the first chance I got, an early work day, I just decided. I told my cousin lets go...and we did. And I chopped my hair off. Now the longest part of my hair doesn't even reach to my chin. And, I love it. It's quite- freeing...to only have to run your fingers through your hair, and then head out to wherever your going. To not feel any wet hair touching your back when your stepping out of the shower. To not have your hair get caught under your backpack when you throw it over your shoulders. I think it matches the me I'm growing into. And...this time my mom was the one biting her finger nails while I sat calmy in my hairdressers chair. I wasn't worried. After all...

it's just hair.

-j

a three year old...

has stolen my heart.

And it amazes me that it makes his day just for me to let him make mine.

I.adore.him.

::helpless::

So I've always tried to cover myself in positivity, but lately I've found the peace to not just try, but to really be positive. To keep it, and hang on to it. To surround myself with it. But its like life creeps behind me and whispers in my ear..."are you sure, letting yourself be negative is so much easier". Damn you life.

How do you sit back and watch..how do you accept...how do you be ok..with something you've worked so hard for being so utterly changed, so negatively and so permanently? Helpless does not look good on me. I'm feeling every negative emotion there is, and if I let myself, I'd hurt a lot people's feelings, perhaps shatter some relationships, and disappear from many people who've grown to be part of my heart. But what's the point in that? What good will that do? I would only further the negative change. So I've inhaled deeply and struggled to replace the negatives with positives. I'll take it as it comes.

I whisper back to life...yes, it would be easier, but then I've never been one to take the easy way.

-J

excuse me for a moment...

::breathe in::


aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!


::breathe out::


that's better.
i'll be back soon to try and formulate that into thoughts.

a change came.

So I used to write...I had a blog before. And I stopped...who knows why...writings always helped. I was reading through my old blog today [I think I shall call that period in my life "stupid love"]. My last post stuck out to me. flashback:

January 26, 2007
a change gon' come...

i catch glimpses of the light at the end of the tunnel...when the lil things won't get to me...i won't wander into the abyss of time and space, and drive myself crazy with thoughts of what if, or what is. what is and what will be will happen, whether i'm ready or not...whether i want it or not. i look forward to the day when i will not let the pains of yesterday effect the opportunities of today, when all of this is just a distant memory.. ...but no matter the change, i will remain me...the me i have always been. i will wear my heart on my sleeve...i will risk hurt...i will love with my whole heart...i will give honesty above all else...i will worry when i'm told not to...i won't hide my negative or positive feelings...anything less would be less of what i am and that isn't me. i will be every inch of the woman i am...even if the woman i am is too much for someone else. everyday brings growth. ...God never gives you more then you can handle...

..in progress


fast forward to the present:
i am what i wrote. and that's beautiful.

I am still a mess...

A few years back I thought my life was over. Yea, I know, mad exaggerated. It wasn't really that serious, but at the time it felt like my heart had literally broken...just a normal human experience. So at the time, of course, I felt like I'd never get over it, like it would always be a tear in my heart I'd feel everyday. But of course, time continued, and life went on...it wasn't the end of my life, far from it. Even though I knew that then it was hard to see...it wasn't the first time. When your young I guess you just don't imagine that any part of the life your living could be removed and yet still your life remains intact. How thankful I am that you grow out of that phase.

Things have sure changed since then. I've been thinking a lot about it lately..life's progression, and how I've progressed with it. More often then not I've found that I'm just comfortable in my own skin, and more positive than I've ever been. I don't know when it happened, or how it happened, but I've gotten to a point I never thought to expect. I guess I always thought my soul was older than my numerical age, but recently it's like my soul is growing more rapidly than ever. I'm still a mess...yes. And from time to time I have to remind myself not to make the same mistakes I've made in the past. I have to remind myself of the woman I want to be- of the woman i am. But I sure am less of a mess then I was a few years back, -less then I was last year, last month, and last week.

It's when you don't look that you find what your not looking for.

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it"

-j

oh Happy Day

So today, I'm happy. For no specific reason- I didn't win the lottery. I haven't met the man of my dreams. I didn't climb out of debt over night. I haven't solved the mysteries of the world, or even the mysteries of my life. And yet, I'm happy. This is not to say that every other day I'm not happy...but just to say that this day, I am.

I woke up today..alive. I saw my mother smile, heard my father laugh. I felt the sun's warmth on my skin. I drove my car, and sang along to the music coming through my speakers. I ate, and ate until I was happily full. I talked to friends who expressed their love for me...I expressed my love for them. I avoided cleaning my room. I made plans for tonight. Today was a day, as ordinary as any other, and yet for some reason I felt it was special enough to take a moment to write about.

I love these days, when your happy at just being happy, and when being happy is enough.

-J

can you ever really be sure of any choice?

Sometimes life happens...and the people you want around can't be, for whatever reason. Sometimes those you don't want around are around too much. I've heard that whole "people come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime" thing many times..and I guess I believe it mostly. But what about those people you connect with on a level you rarely connect with anyone? Those people who bring you comfort without trying? Those people who your simply happy around, effortlessly? Those same people who disappear from your life for whatever reason (a good reason probably)? and then you find them again, sometime later, when their different, and your different, and you no longer know each other like you once did, and yet just knowing their back in your life brings a smile to your heart. Which category do they fit into?-a reason, a season or a lifetime? I guess I'll see...
------------------------------

So I made this choice...several years back. And at the time there was no second guessing, the choice was my choice, what I wanted without question. But in retrospect, it wasn't. There was second guessing, there were questions. I just suppressed them, pushed them so far back into the corners of my mind that I forgot they existed, and I let my heart be my voice-it wanted what it wanted after all.

Now, after all the dust settled, and the choice I made trickled down like an avalanche leaving lots of devastation in its wake...sometimes my mind wanders back, and my imagination creates the story that may have been had I made a different choice. But I guess that's normal (or I'd like to think so). I guess, sooner or later, you rethink every choice you made, and wonder how it may have been different if you would've chosen differently. If you would've been happy. But I think...that even if I had chosen differently, that now, years later I would wonder what may have happened if I made the choice I did make. And I may still be sitting here, writing this post. I guess it's a catch 22...I guess that's life.



but for what it's worth...i did miss him.

-j

senseless

i'd forgotten...i think. my true first love. not the first man i loved...but my first love. the first "thing" that caused the impatient happiness to know more, to "live" more. perhaps it's completely ridiculous, but my first love was reading. and i've realized, all these years later that even now i easily trade my reality for the life drawn out by the words on each page. i melt into each story i love and somehow it becomes me, and i'm living in it, unable to put down the book for too long, unwilling to let the reality of reality sink in. the women characters become my sisters or my friends, the male become my brothers, or friends, or in some cases they join the very short list of those i've fallen head over heals for. and then when the book is done, or the book series in some cases (the hardest cases), i'm left feeling slightly empty, wishing for a chance to really live in that place. not normal perhaps...or maybe my imagination is just really vivid. either way, i wish life could be like the novels that have engulfed my mind.

tears of joyous sorrow.

i caught my tears
bottled them and sold them
to the lowest bidder-for free.

he needed them more than me.

indebted

i'd turn dirt to sandcastles
and tears to waves
just for a chance to see the sun set in her smile
and the wind blow her hair free.

i am of her
and will always be.

i don't get it

it's like chinese to me.
a language i don't understand
i take out my handy dictionary and
begin to translate
no use.

it's like a puzzle
i twist and turn the pieces
fit them together perfectly
and then i realize,
just as the picture begins to come to fruition
-there's several pieces missing
no use.

it's like trying to swim my way out of quicksand
trying to climb an iced mountain
trying to find a needle in a hay stack
no use.

it's like...
im[possible]

but impossible is nothing.
so i guess it's nothing.

and that's how he wants it.

i got it.

my constant battle

muffled sounds break through the walls
like a bullet
it hits me.
unconscious

memories play like a motion picture.
i've seen this one before

a water fall creates a puddle
for me to drown myself in
i struggle to breathe.
i grow fins and sprout scales
and away i swim.

he asked for it.

hate.

i hate hospitals. i've spent enough time in them to last me a lifetime.
i hate watching someone i love deteriorate right in front of me.
i hate watching family members hang on doctors every word.
i hate hearing the abnormal beeps of the machines plugged into my loved one.
i hate being told their are too many people in the room (because i AM going in there).
i hate nurses who don't treat you the way they would want to be treated if roles were reversed.
i hate the deafening silence, broken only by uncontrollable sobs of sadness and heartbreak.
i hate not knowing what to say.

but most of all i hate that i can't take the pain away from my mom and inflict it on myself...
because seeing her in pain is the most agonizing feeling i've ever experienced.

An angel gained

death makes you realize how much you haven't been living.

rest in peace tio.

my biggest weakness

Strength beyond measure..til I see the tears stream down her cheeks. Then I'm gasping for air...trying to find my footing in a field of quick sand.

like an out of body experience

i look down at myself
suit, piece, and bling.
i made it.


d(f)oo(t)r

quick, jumbled thoughts.

i've been thinking too much about what it could be. but the truth is i don't know. i've tried to make something out of nothing, all the while hoping. but really i knew. and i wasn't gonna do it again. have to back up and let it be what it is. after all it'll come when it comes...and this case i think it came for them. i've got so much else to worry about anyway. it's like my life's just starting...sure i know my life started twenty-four years ago...but it's a new beginning. i've realized how much my family's pride is resting on my shoulders. and i won't let them down. it's not an easy load to carry, but my mom built me strong. all i hope to be is half the woman she is.

have a little faith.

when you have faith, things have a way of working themselves out.
yesterday was a beautiful day...one i will never forget. yea, it was mixed with a hint of sadness, and didn't go exactly as planned. but was better then i hoped.

on to the next...

not again

the wheels in my head are moving about a million miles per minute. i have so much i wanna say and don't know where to start. but damn...why does it seem like when something good happens something bad has to happen too.

i'm excited..yet feel bad for being excited
i'm sad...yet feel bad for feeling sad
i don't think i'm selfish...
but i really thought my day would be able to be simply a happy one this time.

it's like deja vu...


just trying to keep the faith.

i am my biggest critic.

"i expect perfection from you because that's all i've seen from you thus far. but everyone makes mistakes, don't beat yourself up for it..."

they expect a lot from me because i've shown them a lot...that's a hard concept to grasp, but i hope i got it. they're expectations mean so much.

...lesson learned...and well appreciated

positivity

i stumbled to find my way to this point
and now the countdown begins.
i have no idea what to expect,
but i'm not worried.
cus the end is just the beginning
and the beginning has no end.
i'll find my way.

why

...do some people have the ability to make your day with just one word..."hi"
and a smile brighter than the sun forms across your face

::sigh::

ugh

i don't think it's supposed to be this difficult. but it seems like it was yesterday that it was so easy. i guess the thing to do would be just to take things in stride...not assume good or bad...just let it happen.

so that's the plan...just let it happen.

...sounds easy

discovery

i never knew my own strength
until it was tested

...i passed.

and

somewhere between yesterday and tomorrow, i found today

...what a present.

-j.a.r.

reflections

i had something to say...but someone said it better then i could

"It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. Makes you wonder what else you can do that you've forgotten about."
~Alan Ball, American Beauty, 1999

reflecting on all i've done and all i've learned in the past 4 months. i don't know that i could put it into words. it's been....an experience.

on a journey to beyond my potential

...in progress

motivation

mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers
yours aNd mine, and his and hErs
unthinkable eVil, unbEaRable pain.
Families tORn apart
many Gave some, yet some gave all.
it's become but a memory to some
to othEr's iT's the reason
and now i look forward
with four words...

not

on

my

watch.

reflections of you

i had fallen
so deep i couldn't see the top of the hole i had dug myself in and
in the end
you weren't there to pull me out

then i saw a glimmer of light through a hole you cut
in my heart
so i clawed myself out

i filled the hole and built a wall
made of glass
so i could look back and see you
but not
walk through

and onward i marched
until one day i was too far to see through the glass wall
and you
were just a blur

and now i see
me.

just a thought

my mind runs so fast my feet can barely keep up and i
stumble
throw my hands out in front of me and catch
myself
falling back
because
backward mixed with forward
when
backward became the backbone
and i
grew it

...my future looks bright.

new to this old pastime

I used to write
then my words became slurred as my feet kicked into overdrive and I
couldn't slow them down long enough to put a pen to paper...

I used to write
and then I realized that
yesterday's tomorrow was just a sunset away and today...
was the tomorrow I had wrote about

And now I write
because my words overflow with the thought of tomorrow's yesterdays
and
it brings a smile to my face

I've never been a writer.