a three year old...

has stolen my heart.

And it amazes me that it makes his day just for me to let him make mine.

I.adore.him.

::helpless::

So I've always tried to cover myself in positivity, but lately I've found the peace to not just try, but to really be positive. To keep it, and hang on to it. To surround myself with it. But its like life creeps behind me and whispers in my ear..."are you sure, letting yourself be negative is so much easier". Damn you life.

How do you sit back and watch..how do you accept...how do you be ok..with something you've worked so hard for being so utterly changed, so negatively and so permanently? Helpless does not look good on me. I'm feeling every negative emotion there is, and if I let myself, I'd hurt a lot people's feelings, perhaps shatter some relationships, and disappear from many people who've grown to be part of my heart. But what's the point in that? What good will that do? I would only further the negative change. So I've inhaled deeply and struggled to replace the negatives with positives. I'll take it as it comes.

I whisper back to life...yes, it would be easier, but then I've never been one to take the easy way.

-J

excuse me for a moment...

::breathe in::


aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!


::breathe out::


that's better.
i'll be back soon to try and formulate that into thoughts.

a change came.

So I used to write...I had a blog before. And I stopped...who knows why...writings always helped. I was reading through my old blog today [I think I shall call that period in my life "stupid love"]. My last post stuck out to me. flashback:

January 26, 2007
a change gon' come...

i catch glimpses of the light at the end of the tunnel...when the lil things won't get to me...i won't wander into the abyss of time and space, and drive myself crazy with thoughts of what if, or what is. what is and what will be will happen, whether i'm ready or not...whether i want it or not. i look forward to the day when i will not let the pains of yesterday effect the opportunities of today, when all of this is just a distant memory.. ...but no matter the change, i will remain me...the me i have always been. i will wear my heart on my sleeve...i will risk hurt...i will love with my whole heart...i will give honesty above all else...i will worry when i'm told not to...i won't hide my negative or positive feelings...anything less would be less of what i am and that isn't me. i will be every inch of the woman i am...even if the woman i am is too much for someone else. everyday brings growth. ...God never gives you more then you can handle...

..in progress


fast forward to the present:
i am what i wrote. and that's beautiful.

I am still a mess...

A few years back I thought my life was over. Yea, I know, mad exaggerated. It wasn't really that serious, but at the time it felt like my heart had literally broken...just a normal human experience. So at the time, of course, I felt like I'd never get over it, like it would always be a tear in my heart I'd feel everyday. But of course, time continued, and life went on...it wasn't the end of my life, far from it. Even though I knew that then it was hard to see...it wasn't the first time. When your young I guess you just don't imagine that any part of the life your living could be removed and yet still your life remains intact. How thankful I am that you grow out of that phase.

Things have sure changed since then. I've been thinking a lot about it lately..life's progression, and how I've progressed with it. More often then not I've found that I'm just comfortable in my own skin, and more positive than I've ever been. I don't know when it happened, or how it happened, but I've gotten to a point I never thought to expect. I guess I always thought my soul was older than my numerical age, but recently it's like my soul is growing more rapidly than ever. I'm still a mess...yes. And from time to time I have to remind myself not to make the same mistakes I've made in the past. I have to remind myself of the woman I want to be- of the woman i am. But I sure am less of a mess then I was a few years back, -less then I was last year, last month, and last week.

It's when you don't look that you find what your not looking for.

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it"

-j

oh Happy Day

So today, I'm happy. For no specific reason- I didn't win the lottery. I haven't met the man of my dreams. I didn't climb out of debt over night. I haven't solved the mysteries of the world, or even the mysteries of my life. And yet, I'm happy. This is not to say that every other day I'm not happy...but just to say that this day, I am.

I woke up today..alive. I saw my mother smile, heard my father laugh. I felt the sun's warmth on my skin. I drove my car, and sang along to the music coming through my speakers. I ate, and ate until I was happily full. I talked to friends who expressed their love for me...I expressed my love for them. I avoided cleaning my room. I made plans for tonight. Today was a day, as ordinary as any other, and yet for some reason I felt it was special enough to take a moment to write about.

I love these days, when your happy at just being happy, and when being happy is enough.

-J

can you ever really be sure of any choice?

Sometimes life happens...and the people you want around can't be, for whatever reason. Sometimes those you don't want around are around too much. I've heard that whole "people come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime" thing many times..and I guess I believe it mostly. But what about those people you connect with on a level you rarely connect with anyone? Those people who bring you comfort without trying? Those people who your simply happy around, effortlessly? Those same people who disappear from your life for whatever reason (a good reason probably)? and then you find them again, sometime later, when their different, and your different, and you no longer know each other like you once did, and yet just knowing their back in your life brings a smile to your heart. Which category do they fit into?-a reason, a season or a lifetime? I guess I'll see...
------------------------------

So I made this choice...several years back. And at the time there was no second guessing, the choice was my choice, what I wanted without question. But in retrospect, it wasn't. There was second guessing, there were questions. I just suppressed them, pushed them so far back into the corners of my mind that I forgot they existed, and I let my heart be my voice-it wanted what it wanted after all.

Now, after all the dust settled, and the choice I made trickled down like an avalanche leaving lots of devastation in its wake...sometimes my mind wanders back, and my imagination creates the story that may have been had I made a different choice. But I guess that's normal (or I'd like to think so). I guess, sooner or later, you rethink every choice you made, and wonder how it may have been different if you would've chosen differently. If you would've been happy. But I think...that even if I had chosen differently, that now, years later I would wonder what may have happened if I made the choice I did make. And I may still be sitting here, writing this post. I guess it's a catch 22...I guess that's life.



but for what it's worth...i did miss him.

-j

senseless

i'd forgotten...i think. my true first love. not the first man i loved...but my first love. the first "thing" that caused the impatient happiness to know more, to "live" more. perhaps it's completely ridiculous, but my first love was reading. and i've realized, all these years later that even now i easily trade my reality for the life drawn out by the words on each page. i melt into each story i love and somehow it becomes me, and i'm living in it, unable to put down the book for too long, unwilling to let the reality of reality sink in. the women characters become my sisters or my friends, the male become my brothers, or friends, or in some cases they join the very short list of those i've fallen head over heals for. and then when the book is done, or the book series in some cases (the hardest cases), i'm left feeling slightly empty, wishing for a chance to really live in that place. not normal perhaps...or maybe my imagination is just really vivid. either way, i wish life could be like the novels that have engulfed my mind.