some days are still harder than others

i can almost not remember it like it was yesterday,
the phone woke me
i didn't understand who could be calling at that hour
but i answered.
on the other line was an uncalm calm
::she's gone::
:who's gone:
i didn't understand
or i didn't believe
but either way i had to ask
had to be sure.
but she was gone.
and the little girl in the grown woman i was supposed to be
came tumbling out of me.
i didn't know how to carry that heavy load...
the weight was unbearable
and i didn't think i could climb out of bed under it,
let alone walk down the hall without collapsing.
so i stumbled as far as my small body would allow,
to the door next to mine
and the savior that slept quietly on the other side.
he would take the weight for me
i knew this as sure as i knew that she was gone.
i opened the door
trying to formulate some semblance of words he could understand.
i'm not sure what came out
but i know that in his understanding the weight shifted from me to him.
he told me it would be ok
and i watched as he wavered under the weight of it
i could see the little boy inside of the man he was supposed to be,
but the man fought back
he walked down the hall
to the room neither of us wanted to enter,
to try and gently place that huge weight
on the shoulders of our mother.
her cries pierced my heart like a million knives
and it bled out
desperately trying to make its way to her
to fill the holes in her own heart
caused by the weight of the world that had just come crumbling down.